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Counseling
Blended Families
Dr. Marc A. Graham, Director
Biblical Counseling Center of Southeast
Michigan
Introduction:
A. Defining "blended families."
1. It is just what the term sounds like--A
blending together of pre- existing families with children born with
another pouse or, in our day and age, a single mom with another
man/men.
2. The previous marriages may have been
terminated either through death or divorce.
B. Some common laments you hear from blended
families:
1. "My husband (wife) doesn't love my
child."
2. "Your child doesn't respect me."
3. "I can't afford to pay for your children's
needs when their father isn't sending the support
checks."
4. "Why can't my step-child accept
me?"
5. "You're not my Mom (or Dad). I don't have to
listen to you."
6. "Your harder on my kids than you are on your
own."
7. "Your kids get away with
everything."
8. "You love your kids more than you do
me."
C. Statistics tell us that most second, third,
etc. marriages end up in divorce.
1. It is my conviction that one reason for this
is that we are too quick to remarry people who apparently qualify
Biblically without understanding that blended families need some
very specialized pre-marriage counseling.
I. PRE-MARRIAGE COUNSELING ISSUES FOR
BLENDED FAMILIES.
A. The priority/problem of pre-existing
relationships.
1. The pre-existing spouse.
a. Divorce does not neatly severe all ties with
the previous spouse.
1). The kids natural tendency to
gravitate toward their biological parents.
2). There are ongoing visitation and custody issues.
3). Child support payments.
b. Advance thought must be given to the nature of
these relationships and how to address them in
marriage.
1). Are the relationships good or
hostile.
2). How are you going to teach the children to respect and
submit to the authority of the new parental set if the previous
biological parent undermines?
3). What will you do if the previous spouse refuses to obey
the stipulations of the divorce decree?
4) Are you going to struggle with jealousy over the
biological relationship of the children to the previous spouse or
over the continued love of a widow(er) for the dead
spouse?
2. The pre-existing grandparents.
a. Remarriage does not and should not diminish or
end the relationship of children with the parents of the previous
spouse.
b. The new spouse(s) must consider how they are going to develop a
good relationship with the parents of the previous spouse for the
sake of unity and the children.
c. Grandparents are going to want to be involved in holidays,
birthdays, and special occasions.
d. There will be special occasions, such as school graduations or
sporting events, that you could potentially have biological
grandparents and step-grandparents intermingled. What strategy is
in place for these groups to get to know each other and build a
cordial relationship?
1) What about Christmas gifts of biological
parents to their biological grandchildren. What if the other
children have poor or disinterested grandparents? How are you going
to address the imbalance at Christmas time?
3. The number one pre-existing
relationship: the children with the biological spouse and previous
biological parent.
a. Number one cause of divorce is
fighting over biological children.
b. Each parent has a pre-existing responsibility
to do what is best for their children over taking care of their own
desires. They must carefully assess whether the prospective
step-parent will make a good parent for their children.
c. Is there agreement between the prospective
spouses on philosophy of parenting and discipline issues? What is
the track record of each parent with their children and how do
those children behave?
1) Do their children show respect for
adults?
2) Do their children show respect for their peers?
3) Is there clear evidence of spiritual leadership on the part of
the parent manifested in the children?
4) Are the children saved?
a) Have you ever considered the shock of throwing
saved children into an intimate family relation-ship with unsaved,
rebellious children? Many have foolishly done so and lived to
regret it.
d. What program is in place to allow the two sets
of children to get acquainted and develop a relationship prior to
the marriage?
e. Are the kids being discipled on the role the new step-parent
will assume in their lives and how God wants them to respect
it?
f. Does the prospective step-parent love the
kids? If not, the couple should not marry irregardless of how much
they desire each other. They are being selfish and neglecting their
pre-existing responsibilities.
g. What lifestyle changes will the kids be called upon to face? Is
the house large enough for the two families? What about sleeping
arrangements? Will children be forced to share bedrooms with
non-biological siblings they barely know? Does the family own
vehicles large enough to transport the new blended unit? Will
family activities and vacations be possible and
affordable?
B. Pre-existing income, assets and property that
are brought into the marriage by
each party.
1. In light of the Genesis 2:24 blueprint of
growing oneness in marriage, does the couple realize that continued
compartmentalization of their lives will hinder oneness? In other
words, are they going to live like they are married or live like
they are two individuals shacking up?
2. Some exceptions:
a. Older widows/widowers who are bringing with
them property and assets earned with the deceased spouse over a
lifetime. In such cases, it is proper for each to keep separate
for inheritance purposes what they brought to the marriage.
b. The only things that should be considered joint assets are the
things they accrue together. This should be clearly understood and
spelled out prior to marriage. Each should understand the nature of
the disposition of the other's affairs toward their biological
children before death comes.
c. Insurance policies and trust funds that have
been established for biological children prior to marriage may be
left intact.
C. Last, but certainly not least, spiritual
issues.
1. An honest evaluation of the spiritual walk of
the prospective spouse and each of the children must be done, with
a view to understanding how the prospective husband will need to
lead each one.
2. Where will the family attend church? What if
each is in a church they love? How will this be
addressed?
D. This is a sampling of the kind of issues that
ought to be addressed with a potential "blended family" BEFORE they
marry. It is far tougher to deal with after the marriage.
II. ONCE THEY ARE
MARRIED.
A. God expects Biblical husband/wife roles to be
carried out (Eph. 5:22-32).
1. The husband is the head of the household and
all of the children. (Eph. 5:25).
2. God expects the wife to submit to his headship
over her and her biological children. (Eph. 5:22-24).
a. This includes such things as the choice of
where the family will attend church.
3. God expects the wife to support her husband in
the discipline of all the children.
a. The husband must strive to be biblical, loving
and consistent.
B. God expects the husband/relationship to take
first priority over the parent/child relationship.
1. The couple's primary focus in the marriage is
the building of their oneness (Gen. 2:24).
2. It is critical that the children see oneness
in the new parental set. The children will tend to honor their
step-parent if they see their biological parent do so.
C. God expects both spouses to be patient with
each other and the children. Blending takes time. Relationships
are built over time.
1. Love must rule. (1 Cor. 13:4-8).
2. Anger/impatience must be kept in check. (Jam.
1;19-21; Eph. 4:26-27).
D. Children must be taught to respect the
property that their step-siblings bring with them.
E. The Husband/Father must take the lead in
bringing joy into the new household. He must look for ways to make
the new home a pleasant atmosphere. New families memories should be
made to add to the old ones.
F. When a child resents the new step-parent, that
parent must seize the opportunity to model unconditional agape love
(Matt. 5:43-47; Rom. 12:14-21
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