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COUNSELING
CHILDREN
Dr. Marc A. Graham, Director
Biblical Counseling Center, East Michigan Office
Presented at Word of Life Michigan Mid-Year Leaders'
Conference
January, 2006
Introduction:
A. Three key areas of
diagnosis:
1. The child's relationship to
God.
2. The child's relationship to
himself.
3. The child's relationship to
others.
B. Two primary ways that people
change: Through love and truth.
I. The Child's Relationship
to God.
A. Are we dealing with an unbeliever
or a believer?
B. This question is critical because
you do not counsel unbelievers. You evangelize them.
1. There is only so much that can be
accomplished through common grace and moral coercion.
C. How does the child think about
God?
1. Is God small or great? (Job
38-42).
2. Does he view God as a friend, a
judge, a helper?
3. Is he learning to think of his
life in terms of being "in Christ" or is he trying to worship and
serve himself?
4. In order to counsel him, we must
have some perception of where he is spiritually.
D. Our overall task is to
teach children a "God ward focus." (1 Cor. 10:31).
We are to learn to do all "as unto the Lord."
1. Obedience is a response
to God.
a. Don't turn behavior
problems into a power struggle between you and the child. (Matt.
10:28).
b. Teach them about God's
great love for them so that they may love Him in return and desire
to honor Him. (1 John 4:19; John 14:21,23-24;
Rom. 12:1).
2. Submission to earthly
authority is a specific application of being a creature under God's
authority.
a. God's authority may
seem distant and theoretical.
b. The government, the
teacher, the parents, the Olympian leader, however, are present.
Obedience to God is reflected in a child's growing understand of
obedience to earthly authorities.
c. Honoring older people
is directly related to our respect for God, Himself. (Lev.
19:32).
II. The Child's
Relationship to himself.
A. How well does the child
understand himself?
1. Is he aware of his strengths and
weaknesses?
2. Does he understand his
personality?
3. Is he arrogant and
defiant?
4. Is he shy, insecure, lacking in
self-confidence?
B. How are some of these things
evidenced in behavior?
1. Is the child dependable? Can he
stick to a task without external coercion?
2. Is he enslaved to his needs? Does
he demand to be the center of attention for both the leaders and
his peers?
3. Is he insecure, struggling to
reach out to others and fearing anything that varies from the
normal routine?
III. The Child's
Relationship to Others.
A. How does he interact with
others? What sort of relationships does he have?
1. Is he shy and hesitant? (Phil.
4:6-7; 2 Tim. 1:7).
2. Does he clearly enjoy being the
center of attention? (Phil. 2:2-4).
3. Is he controlled by others? Or
does he always seek to be in control?
4. How does he deal with people when
they disappoint him? (Eph. 4:31-32).
5. How does he respond to being
sinned against? (Rom. 12:17-21).
B. Children need to be taught the
guiding principle of the "preciousness of others." (Matt.
22:39).
IV. All Successful
Counseling MUST:
A. Address the heart.
1. All behavior is a reflection of
the state of the heart. (Prov. 4:23; Mark 7:21---"from within, out
of men's hearts...").
2. A key Biblical principle on how
the heart is changed: Luke 6:45.
a. It means that we must look beyond
the behavioral symptoms and discern the heart issues that are
driving them.
b. Never underestimate the power of
the Biblical truth that is being taught each week to these kids in
Olympian clubs. The New Testament clearly states that the Word of
God has sanctifying power. (John 17:17). We want to help them store
up good in their hearts.
c. Don't let the bitter, angry child
wear you down. Keep gently ministering God's truth to them and show
them love. Remember, you don't know what they are dealing with at
home. You may be the first truly loving relationship they have
encountered.
d. You must not only require proper
behavior, you must disciple them and help them understand how their
straying hearts have produced the wrong behavior.
3. Understand what is going on in
the key influences that shape the child's heart.
a. The culture, in
general.
b. The media, the chief agent
through which culture conveys its values.
c. The School: public, Christian,
home school?
d. The Family: roles, values,
conflict resolution, divorce, single parent home?
e. Peers: what value system does
the predominant group they are plugged into represent---the world
or Christ?
4. While shaping influences are important to know,
we must avoid a key mistake in considering them. We must not view
shaping influences as absolute in child development. The grace of
God and the work of the Spirit can change anyone into the image of
Christ. (Titus 2:11-14).
B. The heart is not neutral. It will either
worship idols or the living God.
V. Key Steps in the Counseling
Process.
A. Relationship is everything.
1. Kids don't care what you know
until they know that you care.
2. The dynamic of your relationship
with the kids should be loving leadership not harsh
authoritarianism. (Eph. 5:1-2).
a. The goal is not to intimidate
kids, but to encourage them to follow Christ. (Eph.
6:4).
B. Data Gathering.
1. Make sure you have the facts
right. (Prov. 18:13).
2. Ask questions that elicit
information, not just "yes" and "no" answers.
3. Don't assume things. Ask
questions. Get hard data.
4. Watch halo data---facial
expressions, looking down at the floor, can they look right at you
when speaking, etc.
C. Clear communication is critical.
1. It is a dialogue not a
monologue. We must listen as well as speak. (Proverbs 18:2,13).
2. The goal is to build up the
child. (Eph. 4:29).
3. What type of communication is
needed? (1 Thess. 5:14).
a. Encouragement.
1. Sometimes kids just need a little
hope.
b. Correction.
1. Sometimes kids need to be brought
into conformity to a standard.
c. Rebuke.
1 Sometimes a child must experience
your sense of alarm, shock or dismay at what he has done or
said.
d. Instruction.
1. Sometimes a child needs help in
how to apply the principles you are teaching to their behavior.
D. Discipline with a clear goal in
mind.
1. Don't go off half-cocked. Get
all the facts. (Prov. 18:17).
2. Disciple, disciple, disciple!
Don't just have rules. Explain the moral purpose for the rules and
that they are for the benefit, protection and unity of the
children.
3. Have reasonable consequences for
violation of the rules.
a. Remember that the punishment must
fit the crime. (Matt. 6:38a).
b. Remember that the primary purpose
of consequences are not to punish but to correct and
teach.
c. Think through the appropriate
consequences for rules violations in advance. Try to avoid making
it up as you go. This generally gets us into problems.
E. Appeal to the conscience of the
child.
1. The conscience is your ally in
counseling. When the conscience is aroused,
discipleship and discipline usually find their mark.
2. Example of Proverbs
23.
a. Part of it is on discipline:
vv. 13-14.
b. This is followed by appeal to
the conscience: vv. 17-23.
3. Example of the Parables:
Jesus often appeals to their sense of right and wrong.
a. The Two Sons (Matt.
21:28-32).
b. The Tenants and Vineyard Owner
(Matt. 21:33-46).
4. The purpose of appealing to
the conscience is to help them see the implications of their
sin.
VI. The Goal of
Counseling.
A. To bring the child to a sober
assessment of themselves as sinners. (Rom. 3:23).
B. To show them the misery of a
life of sin. (Prov. 13:15).
C. To help them understand the
grace, mercy and love of God in Christ (Eph. 3:18-19).
D. To see their inability to do
the things God requires without the help and strength of God. (John
15:5; Phil. 4:13).
E. To show them the joy of a
life of obedience. (John 13:17; James 1:25).
Key resources used for
this workshop and recommended to you for further
reading:
1. Shepherding a
Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp.
2. The Heart of Anger, by Lou
Priolo.
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