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Counseling
Couples Impacted by Pornography
An Overview
Dr. Marc Graham, Director
Biblical Counseling Center of Southeast
Michigan
I. Counseling Problems:
A. The husband (the Sex
Addict):
1. The warping of his view of
sex.
a. Sex for sex's sake---physical
gratification without relationship.
2. He is living in an imaginary
world with imaginary relationships. The "imaginary" always looks
better than reality, because the person having the fantasy controls
how people behave and the outcome of everything in the fantasy
world. The fantasy world is a world where fleshly desires are
perfectly satisfied.
3. The resulting physical
habituation.
a. The law of diminishing returns
necessitates more and more bizarre and perverted images in order to
gain arousal and climax.
b. The more you feed an appetite the
more it wants. (Eph. 4:17-19).
c. Medicating with sex.
4. The resulting mental addiction.
(Matt. 6:22-23).
a. The burning deep of pornographic
images.
b. The constant looking at women and
their bodies.
5. The integrity problem.
a. Due to the very nature of sexual
sin being secret sin, it makes terrible liars out of the addicts.
(John 3:20).
6. Sexual problems.
a. He is unable to have sex with his
wife due to frequent masturbation.
b. He is unable to have sex due to
the high threshold of arousal he has established with his bizarre
and perverted fantasies.
7. The spiritual problem.
a. The heart is terribly corrupted.
(Matt. 6:22-23).
B. The wife:
1. Hurt.
2. Anger and disgust.
3. Sense of rejection, violation,
betrayal.
4. Feels she is now in a competition she can't win with other far
more sexy women.
a. All of the above lead her to
greatly reduce or cut-off sex with her husband.
5. Fear and insecurity.
a. This drives her to try and handle
her fear by forcing her husband to account for every minute of the
day with a stringent accountability.
b. This accountability is really not for him, but is for her.
It is designed to assuage her fears.
6. Taking control of her husband's
life and the home.
a. She rationalizes it in the
following way: he betrayed her. Therefore, he owes her this level
of accountability. He is responsible for her insecurity. Therefore,
he owes her an accounting that will make her feel
secure.
b. She becomes a police man and
prison warden rather than a wife.
7. Frustration when she realizes the
severity of the addiction and her inability to force him to
change.
a. She does not encourage progress.
Her husband must be perfect. Any setback risks sending her over the
emotional edge.
b. Example: Husband has 8 months of
sobriety. Then he gives in and masturbates. Wife treats him as if
the 8 months have never happened and he is back to ground zero. She
focuses on the failure rather than rejoicing over the
progress.
c. If she feels similar to her worst
times, she automatically equates the same feelings as meaning the
situation is the same.
8. Lack of trust in her husband
because of his lying problem.
9. Because she has not handled her
hurt and anger, she becomes as great a problem in the marriage with
selfish demands upon her husband. It becomes all about making HER
feel secure, rather than compassion for her husband in his terrible
struggle and helping him overcome his sin.
a. She forces her husband to live
with constant suspicion.
b. She automatically interprets his
lack of sexual interest in her as a sign that he is masturbating
again, rather than considering the possibility that it may be the
way she is treating him that causes him to have no sexual interest
in her. He may feel like she is his warden not this
wife.
II. Issues that must be
addressed:
A. The husband must be made to
understand the devastating effect of sexual sin upon a wife and
family.
1. Show him how it was treated in
the Old Testament and why?
B. The wife must understand that God
has a purpose in this trial for her, as well. Even as He wants her
husband to deal with his lust, He wants to show her through the
pressure of the trial things that have existed in her heart all
along that need to be changed. (Rom. 8:28-29).
1. The sin of the husband did not
make the wife insecure and afraid. These things existed in her
heart all along. The sin and pressure of the trial merely brought
out the insecurity and fear that already resided in her, but that
she was able to ignore and control when circumstances were less
threatening.
2. The wife must understand that God
wants her to learn to trust Him, no matter what her circumstances.
(Ps. 46; Prov. 3:5-6; 1 Pet. 3:5-6).
3. The husband is responsible to God
for his sin.
4. The wife is responsible to God
for how she responds to her husband's sin.
III. KEYS IN HELPING THE
HUSBAND.
A. This must first and foremost be
addressed as a heart problem. (Matt. 5:27-28).
1. All too often, a strict
accountability structure is slapped on the situation in an effort
to change the addict through attempted denial of opportunity to
commit the sin.
a. Without first addressing the
heart, such structure will fail. Sin is first and foremost an
internal problem of the heart.
2. A program of daily devotions,
discipleship, church attendance must be put into place, all with a
goal of helping the addict know God better, build personal intimacy
with God, and learn to love God more than his sin.
a. The only adequate motive for
obedience is love. (2 Cor. 5:14).
b. Read Jerry Bridges' book
Transforming Grace.
3. There must be a heart moving
toward repentance for the external steps to be effective. (2 Cor.
7:10-11).
B. The addict must structure his
life for change. (Matt. 5:29-30).
1. The meaning of this ancient
proverb is not a literal disfiguring of ourselves as the Arab world
has taken it to mean. It is a poetic assertion that stubborn sins
require radical amputation, meaning that the addict must
aggressively structure his life for change.
a. Example: This may mean getting
rid of cable TV.
b. Example: This may mean doing away
with Internet service or utilizing an accountability tool such as
Covenant Eyes, in addition to blocks, filters, and moving the
family computer to a public place in the house. It may also be
password protected so that the husband does not know the password
and cannot access it unless someone else is at home.
2. Accountability is only effective
if the husband desires it. If his heart is moving toward
repentance, he should be willing to have some
accountability
a. The wife is not Biblically
permitted to demand accountability from her husband and give
ultimatums. She certainly may plead with him for it. But he must be
willing and not coerced by demand. Far too many wives use the
occasion of the husband's struggle with sin as a means to take
control of the home through accountability demands. The Scriptures
command wives to love, submit to and be respectful of even bad
husbands (Matt. 5:43-47; Rom. 12:14-21; 1 Cor. 13:4-8; 1 Pet.
3:1-2, 5-6).
b. Accountability IS NOT for the peace of mind of the wife. It
is a tool to help a struggling sinner in times of temptation have a
structure to lean upon that will help him make a godly choice,
rather than give in to temptation and sin. More will be said about
the wrong view that accountability is for the peace of mind of the
wife when we discuss keys to helping her.
c. The wife does not have authority
over her husband, and this does not change when sin occurs (Eph.
5:22-24). Persistent sin on the part of the husband may force
institutions that DO have authority over him to act: the Church,
the Government. In extreme situations, the wife is not to sin
against God by trying to seize control, but should appeal to the
appropriate institution that God HAS given authority over her
husband.
1) Example: The Church should be
called upon to help the sinner who seems to be unwilling to deal
with his sin.
2) Example: Civil Government should
be called upon to deal with the addict who seems to present a risk
to either his wife or to children.
3. Accountability principles and
ideas.
a. Accountability is a limited tool
to help the sinner with aids that he may turn to in times of
temptation.
b. Accountability is not for the
purpose of bringing security to the wife as it is not an adequate
tool to accomplish this.
1) No one can be monitored 24 hours
per day.
2) Accountability is only as
effective as the truthfulness of the addict.
3) Any accountability system can be
cheated on, if the addict is determined to do so.
c. Accountability must be
practical in order to be effective.
1) Asking someone to account for
100% of the where- abouts and usage of time each day is neither
practical nor doable. Any such system is usually not for helping
the husband, but usually the result of demands by an angry or
fearful wife.
2) Development of practical
accountability systems usually involve doing a careful analysis of
the times, places, circumstances and emotions which seem to present
the greatest temptation to engage in the sinful
behavior.
Examples:
Leisure time (Ezk. 16:49)
Alone time (2 Sam. 11:1-2).
Bathroom, shower
Stress
Depression
Locations with a high concentration of
females (i.e.---Cedarpoint).
IV. KEYS TO HELPING THE WIFE
HANDLE THE TRIAL.
A. Being sympathetic to her
struggle.
1. The wife experiences a wide range
of emotions---hurt, betrayal, anger, insecurity, rejection,
etc.
2. Directly impacting the wife
emotionally is the issue of how she learned of the sin (did she or
someone else catch him or did he voluntarily confess) and how long
he has been involved in this sin and covered it up.
a. Wives who discover a husband in
pornography and learn that he has been doing this for years,
struggle with feelings that the man they thought they knew is now a
stranger. He is not at all who they thought he was. This is pretty
devastating.
b. The lies are as big or bigger a
problem than the pornography, itself.
c. Has he come clean? Or have they
been enduring the agonizing torture of "piecemeal
confession?"
3. It is important to do thorough
data gathering. What are we dealing with? Pornography, alone? Or
has he acted it out through prostitutes, adultery, child
molestation, etc? How long has this gone on? Is this a first-time
discovery? Or are we dealing with repeated occurrences and
concealments? How and where is he accessing it? Home? Work? Both?
Adult or convenience stores? Strip clubs? Internet? ---In other
words, we must find out what the wife is up against.
B. This trial sets up some terrible
temptations for the wife to respond sinfully.
1. She must handle hurt Biblically
or hurt will handle her. (Eph. 4:31-32).
2. She must avoid explosive anger
and bitterness, or Satan will gain a foothold in her life (Eph.
4:26-27; James 1:19-20).
3. She is tempted to focus only on
her husband's sin and see nothing else about him, treating him in a
way that Christ, who is far more holy than we, never treats us.
(Matt. 18:21-35; Eph. 5:1-2; Ps. 103:8-10).
4. She is tempted to respond to her
fears by taking control of the home and her husband through temper
outbursts, demands, ultimatums and strict accountability designed
to make her feel secure. (1 Pet. 3:1-6).
5. She is tempted to retaliate
against him with temper outbursts, silence, threats, using sex as a
weapon, etc. in order to try and make him feel the pain she is
feeling.
C. We must look at the wife's
struggle from two standpoints: (1) The initial shock of the
discovery; (2) Her long-term response to her husband.
1. During the initial shock period,
there will be real emotional instability. She will struggle with
sleeplessness. It will be hard for her to think about anything
else. She will alternate between anger and tears of despair. She
will experience feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The pain
will come in waves. She will be stable one second and find herself
in anger or tears the next. She may well feel that God has
abandoned her. She may be tempted to blame Him (James
1:13).
2. We and her husband must be very patient with her during
these early stages. We must minister the Word with a gentle
hand.
3. It is critical that she come to
see the sovereignty of God and that even sinners cannot thwart His
good purposes in our lives.
a. Key reading: Trusting God : Even
When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges. This book is a very gentle
introduction to the doctrine of God's sovereignty. Have her begin
with Chapter 12 which addresses how God uses adversity to help us
grow. Then have her read Chapter 8 on the wisdom of God.
b. Jay Adams booklet, How to Handle
Trouble is also helpful. She must come to see God's ability to
bring beauty out of ashes (Isaiah 61:1-3). She must understand that
things are not out of control. God is up to something good. We must
give her hope.
4. The longer-term counseling is
going to involve several key questions:
a. Is she understanding that a part
of God's purpose in this trial is to use the pressure to reveal to
her areas of her heart and life that God wants to change, so that
she can become more and more like Jesus Christ? In other words, is
she willing to accept the difficult truth that an all-wise God has
planned this trial for her to grow, as well? It isn't just about
her husband. (Rom. 8:28-29; 1 Pet. 1:7).
b. Does she understand that as the
suitable helper, God does not want her to be her husband's
probation officer, but that she is to continue to be his wife.
Thus, her task is to communicate with him and seek ways she can
help him in his quest for godly growth and change. (Gen.
2:18).
c. We must help her see that "her
hope is in God" not her husband, for emotional security and peace.
Therefore, she must not respond out of fear, but out of love for
God and her husband. (1 Pet. 3:5-6; 1 John 4:18; 1 Cor.
13:4-8).
1) In order to do this, her own
intimacy with God must develop and grow as much as that of her
husband.
d. She must not let this sin take
her marriage hostage. In other words, she must not view it from the
standpoint of the flesh (he's an addict who will never change, I
will never be able to trust him again, my marriage is over, this is
the worst thing that could ever happen to me, etc., etc.)---but
from the standpoint of the Spirit (looking at the overall pattern
of progress, not equating every stumble as total failure; being
focused on how she can help and encourage him when he stumbles;
treating him like Christ treats her; loving her husband and
determining to make their relationship more than just grappling
with this one struggle).
5. The chief thing she MUST learn:
trust God. God will take care of her, no matter what her husband
does, no matter how fast or how slow change takes place. She need
not fear, for the living God is her strength and protection. (Psalm
46). If, after a lengthy period, she is still in a terrible
struggle, it is clear indication that she is not trusting God. God
wants her to see this and wants her to turn to Him in faith (Heb.
11:6).
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