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Counseling
Parents, Other Leaders
Dr. Marc A. Graham,
Director
Biblical Counseling Center, East Michigan Office
Presented at Word of Life Michigan Mid-Year Leaders'
Conference
January, 2006
Introduction:
A. Adults tend to only seek out
people they admire or respect for counsel.
B. Who do you want to counsel you
about:
1. Parenting? --- Someone with great
kids.
2. Leadership? --- Someone who is an
effective leader.
3. It is the 2 Timothy 2:2 principle
in action.
C. What do effective parents/leaders
look like?
I. Wrong Parenting/Youth
Leader styles.
A. The Authoritarian or Impatient
Leader.
1. "Do it or else." "Do it because I
said so."
2. This style tries to lead through
intimidation and fear.
3. No encouragement.
4. Task-oriented. Doesn't realize
the child's heart needs to be trained.
5. Wrong goal. Goal is to get
external results.
6. Effects of this leadership
style:
a. No relationship with the
followers.
b. Provokes followers to wrath and
frustration (Eph. 6:4).
c. Builds hypocrisy. No obedience
from the heart. (Mark 7:6).
B. Permissive (Passive)
Leadership.
1. "It's just a phase. They'll grow
out of it."
2. "He's really a good
kid."
3. The child gets very little
attention and is on his own most of the time.
4. Effects of this leadership
style:
a. Children that will not submit or
respond to authority.
b. Children that do not listen or
pay attention to others.
C. Child-centered Parenting
(Active).
1. The child is allowed to make most
decisions for himself. (Examples: What he will eat, what he will
do, where he will go).
2. Child's desires/schedule often
determines family decisions.
3. Parents meekly ask a child to do
things rather than instruct him. (Example: "Will you please take
out the trash?").
a. Was it really a
question?
b. What will you do if he or she
says "No?"
4. Effects of this type of
leadership style:
a. Children are very
feeling-oriented.
b. Children go to extremes if they
don't get their way.
D. The Legalistic Leader.
1. Believes that rules are the
answer to every problem.
2. Does not disciple.
3. Believes that righteousness is built from the "outside-in"
rather than flowing from a changed heart.
4. Takes the joy out of Christian
living.
5. Never takes "context" into
consideration.
II. Biblical
Parenting/Leader Styles.
A. In the home, the husband/wife
relationship is the priority relationship over the children under
God. (Eph. 5:22-32).
1. Adam and Eve constituted a family
unit in the Garden even prior to the birth of children.
2. Husband requires children to
respect his wife.
3. Child's schedule is subordinate
to the parent's schedule.
B. Parents/Leaders accept that
active involvement in "bringing up" the kids are their
responsibilities.
1. Ephesians 6:4: "Bring them
up...." They are not to be left to bring themselves up.
C. The dynamic of the
leader/follower relationship is "love." and servanthood. (Eph.
5:25-32; Matt. 20:20-28).
D. Parents/Leaders are focused on a
Biblical goal.
1. The goal may be summarized in
Matthew 22:35-40.
2. The goal is to make a true
disciple of Jesus.
3. What does such a disciple look
like? (See John 13:35).
4. Authority is not the dynamic of
the relationship. It is merely a tool to be used only when
needed.
III. Understanding the
"Nurture/Admonition" Formula in Ephesians 6:4.
A. Nurture=standards, structure in
the home.
B. Admonition="putting into the
mind," teaching.
C. The proper balance.
1. Heavier on nurture (standards)
when children are younger, but with a view to seize opportunity to
increase teaching.
2. About equal at approximately age
12.
3. Less on the structure and heavier
on the teaching as they get older.
D. Too heavy on nurture=kids with
standards but no understanding of the purpose. They conclude there
is no purpose and throw out the standards.
E. Too heavy on admonition=kids with
principles but no experience in applying them to life. They make
mistakes applying them and quickly conclude that the principles
don't work and throw them out.
IV. Ways that Leaders
Provoke Their Followers to Wrath. (Eph. 6:4).
A. Lack of marital harmony. (Gen.
2:24; Heb. 12:15).
B. Child-centered parenting. (Prov.
29:15). (Home ought to be Christ-centered).
C. Modeling sinful anger. ((Prov.
22:24-25).
D. A stern, strict environment with
much scolding. (Eph. 4:29).
E. Being inconsistent in application
of standards. (2 Cor. 1:17-18; Eccl. 8:11).
F. Having double standards. (Phil.
4:9). (We must model what we expect).
G. Being legalistic. (Matt. 15:8-9).
(God wants obedience from a joyful heart. He is not only concerned
about what we do, but why we do it.--- John
14:15,21,23-24).
H. Not admitting our own sin and
asking forgiveness. (Prov. 28:13; Jam. 5:16).
I. Perfectionism. Constantly finding
fault. (Prov. 19:11; 1 Pet. 4;8).
J. Parents reversing God-given
roles. (Eph. 5:22-25).
K. Not listening to the child.
(Prov. 18:2,13; Jam. 1:19).
L. Comparing them to others. (2 Cor.
10:12).
M. Not taking time to talk and build
a relationship. (Rom. 12:9-10; 15:1-2).
N. Failing to keep your promises.
(Col. 3:9).
O. Chastening in front of others.
Embarrassing him. (Matt. 18:15).
Key Resource for this
Workshop:
•
The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo. (We highly recommend this
excellent book).
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