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Men Are to Be Leaders in
the Home
Alan W. Miller, Staff Counselor
Biblical Counseling Center of Southeast
Michigan
I. Introduction.
A. What if I'm not married? Why
should I listen to this? Will you be married one day? The answer
for the vast majority of you is "yes." Now is the time to prepare.
Now is the time to count the cost. Many of you plan on marrying
so that you can "get" something. And that is a legitimate reason
to marry. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 that we should marry rather
than burn with passion and be tempted to sin. Gen 2 indicates that
marriage is for companionship - it was not good for the man to be
alone. There are needs that God has designed to be fulfilled
through marriage. However, there is a second half. Marriage is
also about giving in a sacrificial way, particularly for the man.
It's a package deal.
B. Why teach on this? We have a
natural tendency to fail in this area.
1. We tend to allow our wives to
lead and follow the curse placed on them in the Garden of Eden.
Genesis 3:1-7.
a. Eve led the conversation.
b. Adam was right there with her. Vs 6.
c. Adam failed to intervene.
d. Because of the curse, wives now have a desire to lead and rule
over their husbands (Genesis 3:16).
e. Adam already had the leadership position in the relationship
(Gen 2:18). Eve was to be a helper to Adam in the work that God
had previously assigned Adam to do (Gen 2:15). Note that this is
the pattern even before sin.
f. Now, as a result of the curse, there will be a struggle between
the man and the woman for leadership in the home.
g. Example in the home. What happens when your wife needs a
decision on something and you delay because you're "too busy"? You
are playing right into the curse. You've put a temptation right in
front of her in an area where she is naturally weak. Her
temptation is going to be to make the decision herself so that she
can go and get things done. What happens when you find that she
has already made the decision? You blow up!
2. We tend to lead with
harshness/unreasonableness.
a. God warns us about being harsh with
our wives. Colossians 3:19 "Husbands, love your wives and do not
be harsh with them." The translation in the NASB is clearer here.
It says, "do not be embittered against them." Note that the idea
here is not that you are being harsh toward them. Paul is telling
them that they must not allow themselves to develop a bitter
attitude toward their wives. This is something that is happening
to the husband, not something he is doing to the wife. Do not
allow yourself to become bitter. Deal with sin quickly. The
concern here is the attitude that is building in you. It does
result in harshness in action, but Paul is most concerned here
about the attitude that causes the action.
b. God warns us against provoking our children. Ephesians 6:4
"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up
in the training and instruction of the Lord." Colossians 3:21
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become
discouraged." The idea here is to exasperate, make angry, provoke.
This is something sinful that you are doing to them to cause them
to be angry or frustrated.
II. The Basis for
Leadership
A. Men are to lead their wives.
1 Corinthians 11:3 "Now I want you to
realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the
woman is man, and the head of Christ is God."
Ephesians 5:22-24 "Wives, submit to
your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the
wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is
the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives
should submit to their husbands in everything."
1. The husband is to be the head of
his own wife (not other women). That means that he has been
assigned the position of being the leader in the home. This does
not mean that the wife is somehow inferior. Note that Christ, who
is coequal and coeternal with God the Father, submits to Him.
2. Women are to submit themselves to that leadership. Realize
that this is not something that you do to them. Your
responsibility is to lead with the expectation that they will
follow. If they choose not to follow, you must still continue to
lead.
B. Men are to lead their children.
Ephesians 6:1 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is
right." Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go,
even when he is old he will not depart from it." Deuteronomy
6:4-9.
1. You are commanded to train your
children and lead them.
2. Obedience assumes that you have given them
instructions to follow.
C. God has
assigned this task to you as a man.
III. Common
Objections
A. I don't want to do it. It does
not matter what you want. This is what God commands. If you don't
want this responsibility, don't date. Don't get married.
B. I'm not qualified. It does not
matter if you think you're qualified. God gives you this
responsibility immediately upon being married. You must prepare
for it yourself. Consider parenting. God doesn't wait until He
thinks you are "qualified" to allow you to have
children.
C. Others don't think I'm
qualified. It does not matter if others think you are qualified.
(Your wife or mother-in-law for example.)
D. My wife is a better leader than
I am. Shouldn't she be the leader?
E. My wife is smarter than I
am.
F. My wife is ahead of me
spiritually.
G. My family won't follow me. Then
keep leading and learn how to be more effective.
H. God has assigned this task to
you as a man. Your only qualification is that you are married and
that you are male. God made you head of the home, head of the wife
and head of the children.
IV. How are we to lead?
What did Jesus teach about leadership?
A. Mark 10:42-45
"Jesus called them together and said, "You know that those who are
regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their
high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you.
Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your
servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. 45 For
even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to
give his life as a ransom for many."
1. Here Jesus is teaching that the
Gentiles liked positions of authority so that they could be served
by others. That was the whole goal. The higher the position the
more other people had to do for them. It was self-serving. The
Gentiles used their authority to benefit themselves, for their own
advancement.
2. Jesus taught the disciples that
their leadership was to be of a different type. Their goal was not
to use their authority to get people to serve them. Instead, as
leaders, they were to use their authority to do good to the people
and to serve them. This is sacrificial service. Instead of
getting something by being in this position (as in the case of the
Gentile leaders), Jesus taught them that leadership in His kingdom
was going to cost them dearly. Jesus himself was the greatest
example of this. He was willing to even lay down His life.
B. John 13:12-17
"When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and
returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for
you?" he asked them. "You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and
rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and
Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's
feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done
for you. I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his
master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now
that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do
them."
1. Jesus did not change positions
of authority with them. He asserted that he was still their
Lord.
2. They were to wash one-another's feet. They were to serve each
other and those that they would eventually minister to. Eventually
they would be planting and leading churches. They needed to learn
how to care for those people. They were to do it by serving
them.
C. Jesus taught "servant
leadership."
A definition of "servant
leadership": "Servant leadership in a family occurs when the
husband, who has been entrusted by God to lead, seeks out the needs
of his family, determines how best to meet those needs, and works
hard to meet those needs for their spiritual, emotional, physical
and material benefit at significant cost to
himself."
VI. What does "servant
leadership" look like in the home?
A. You are the detective. You need
to know what is going on in your household (which means that you
need to spend some time there and interact with the people there).
Be sensitive to what is going on in your home. Observe, listen,
ask questions. What struggles, problems, and needs do the people
in your family have? Ask them!! Communicate with them. You must
be as concerned about what is going on in their lives as you are
about your own struggles. Examples. Take your wife to lunch. Sit
down once per week with each child for a "checkup."
B. You are the learner. You need
to be a student of the Bible so that you learn what God wants you
to be doing in the home as a husband and father. Then you come
home and practice it. You work on it. You do it. Model being a
learner for your family. Lead them in this. Show them how to do
it. Learn from them as well. Don't let your pride get in the way.
When you find that your wife or children have a better
understanding of something than you do learn from them. This is
not a competition to see who knows the most. It's a matter of
structuring your home so that all can grow to be like
Christ.
C. You are the discerner.
Sometimes your wife or children will want things that aren't good
for them. Your job is to do what is best for them, not necessarily
what they want done. Realize that not provoking doesn't mean that
you won't make them angry. It means that you didn't do it in a
sinful way. You have to be the one who says, "no, I will not allow
that in this house." Having said that, you also need to be the one
who says, "yes." Rule of thumb, say, "yes" unless you have to say
"no."
D. You are the initiator. Based on
what your family needs, you develop a plan to meet those needs.
You set the agenda of the home for their benefit. Example. Make
their spiritual growth a priority. Don't let other activities get
in the way. How will you arrange the family's schedule so that you
come to worship on Sunday, be discipled and fellowship with people
on Wednesdays and get all of your family members involved in
personal devotions?
E. You execute the plans. You
carry out the plans with assistance from your wife. This is where
many men fail. Most men get to this point and start telling
everyone else what to do. You must stay involved and lead the
way.
F. You must deal properly with
resistance. With regard to what God has commanded, you must be the
padded iron wall. Lead with gentleness and care, but with
firmness. Teach them why God has set things up the way that He
has. Note that there are times to raise your voice. When two
children are fighting it needs to stop, "Now!" With regard to your
own house rules, be flexible. Remember the intent of the rules is
what is important, not the rules themselves.
G. You must deal with the heart,
not just the facts. Don't treat accidents and malicious acts of
destruction in the same way. Yes, either way the lamp was broken.
However, God sees the two very differently. One is sin, the other
is not. You must act accordingly.
H. You must set priorities.
Everything can't be done "now." Let people know when things are
to be done. When giving people multiple tasks, let them know what
needs to be finished first. Be sensitive to other tasks that they
already have. They have other things to do in addition to the
things that you have given them to do. When you need something
done, ask if it is interfering with other urgent tasks that they
are involved in.
I. You are the one who must
sacrifice. You give up what you need when they have needs. You
give up what you want when they have wants. Mothers often excel at
doing this. Fathers have dropped the ball. Take care of your
wives. Look out for them. Make them do a clothing inventory for
you. Find out what they need. Some of them won't tell you. This
doesn't mean that you can't get the tools that you need to make a
living or some things that you want too. It means that you put
them first.
J. You must set the tone of the
home. Do the people in your family enjoy being together? Do you
look forward to coming home? Do your children want to be with you
in the home, or would they rather be some place else? If they
would rather be some place else, the problem is with you. You set
the tone of the home. Are you bitter, angry, negative? Change
it! Encourage them. Make even chores fun. Make learning
enjoyable.
K. Note that it's hard to see the
mistakes when you're not doing anything. It's hard to spot things
that are not getting done. It's easier to spot things that are
being done wrong. However, not doing anything is the greatest
danger here.
VI.
Conclusion.
A. Despite the fact that you are
over them, you are to serve them and take care of them. In fact,
you are to use the position for that very thing. Use the authority
that you have to serve them and do good to them.
B. Leadership is a place to give,
not to get. Leadership will cost you dearly.
C. Leadership is package deal. Do
not accept the "decision-making" responsibilities without the
"self-sacrificing" responsibilities. If you're not willing to
accept the cost of leadership, don't get married.
Servant leadership in a
family occurs when the husband, who has been entrusted by God to
lead, seeks out the needs of his family, determines how best to
meet those needs, and works hard to meet those needs for their
spiritual, emotional, physical and material benefit at significant
cost to himself.
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