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When Counselees Say:
"You Don't Know How I Feel!"
Dr. Marc Graham, Director
Biblical Counseling Center of Southeast
Michigan
Introduction:
A. "You don't know how I feel!" ---
This is a statement you will hear from counselees who have been in
a difficult trial who have or are close to making the decision to
stop following Christ and take matters into their own
hands.
B. "You don't know how I feel!" ---
They are exactly right! We as counselors can't know how they feel.
We would have to experience the identical situation. Even then,
personality differences, the extent of commitment to Christ,
knowledge of the Bible, previous experience in handling trials---
all of these things are factors in determining how we would feel,
because our emotions are produced by our thinking. (John 13:17;
James 1:25).
I. WHY DO COUNSELEES SAY
THIS?
A. They have not been handling the
pressure of the trial well, and they have entered a state of
emotional exhaustion and desperation.
B. A close cousin to the statement
--- "You don't know how I feel?" --- is the statement --- "I just
can't take it anymore!"
C. What they are revealing with both
of these statements is that their goal has changed. No longer is
their primary goal honoring Jesus Christ, no matter what the cost.
Their goal is now to escape their circumstances, to the extent that
they believe they are able to do so. Their goal is to gain relief
from the pressure.
D. The counselor is challenging them
with God's Word that they have chosen an unbiblical course of
action to handle the trial. They don't want to hear this and so
they say --- "You don't know how I feel!" --- to try and discredit
the counselor's advice and back him/her off from confronting them
with God's truth, which they do not really want to hear.
I. HOW DO CHRISTIAN
COUNSELEES MAKE PEACE WITH DECISIONS TO DISOBEY
GOD?
STEP ONE: They
cease at some point to have as their chief purpose for living to
bring glory to God, which can be done no matter what their
circumstances. (1 Cor. 10:31; Rom. 1:21).
A. The worship of things in creation
(peace, ease, relief of pressure, a good marriage, financial
freedom, etc.) becomes more important to them than worshipping and
following their Creator. (Rom. 1:25).
B. They buy into the lie that they
can't be happy in difficult circumstances. Thus, they begin to
believe that the worst thing that can happen to them is an
unfaithful spouse, financial hardship, etc. However, the Bible
teaches that the worst thing that can happen in this world is a
lost person dying and going to Hell, and a saved person not living
for the glory of God. (Matt. 6:31-33).
STEP TWO: Now
believing that the key to peace is a certain set of life
circumstances, they begin to experience anger and frustration at
their inability to change and control their
circumstances.
A. They begin to sin in their
attitude (depression, bitterness, anxiety) because they are not
getting what they want. (Gen. 4:4-5; 1 Kings 21:1-4).
B. They begin to sin in their
actions because they are not getting what they want. (James
4:1-2).
C. This begins to affect their
spiritual life, even how they pray. (James 4:2-3; 1 Peter
3:7).
D. Bitterness begins to set in.
(Heb. 12:14-15).
STEP THREE:
Realizing their lack of control over others, and becoming convinced
that their situation is probably never going to change, they become
driven by the goal of getting out from under the trial.
A. As this becomes the goal, they
are now willing to consider even options they know in their heart
that God in His Word disapproves of.
1. In marriage problems, this almost
always involves making the choice to consider divorce, even though
their situation does not fit the two exceptions given in the
Scriptures.
a. There are only two instances in
Scripture where divorce is permitted as the remedy to marital
problems:
i. The unrepentant Adulterer. (Matt.
19:3-8).
ii. Unbeliever married to a
believer, with the unbeliever wanting to walk out of the marriage.
(1 Cor. 15:12-15).
iii. In all other cases, two
believers are instructed to remain married. (1 Cor.
7:10)
b. If the counselee can't fit their
situation into the biblically permitted categories for divorce,
they will try to assuage their guilt by being creative
through:
i. Trying to convince themselves and
others that their spouse may have committed adultery.
ii. Trying to use mental adultery
(pornography, etc.) as fitting Jesus' teaching.
iii. Suddenly becoming convinced
that their spouse must be an unbeliever in order to wiggle into
Paul's exception clause in 1 Cor. 7:15.
iv. All of these things are
manifestations of the deceitfulness of the human heart when it is
determined to get its way.
2. The counselee commits themselves
to the unbiblical course of action and develops a stubborn
determination to see it through no matter what others, including
God in the Bible, and their church may say.
B. In their heart of
hearts, they know this is not right. They sense guilt over their
decision. Instead of repenting of their lack of trust in God,
however, they are so bent on this course of action, that they must
now begin to devise a new theology about God that convinces them
that God gives them permission to commit this sin!
STEP FOUR: Find
other Christians and/or Christian books that will agree with the
counselee's decision to take unbiblical action. Sadly, this is very
easy to do. (2 Tim. 4:1-4).
II. COUNSELEES HANDLE THE
GUILT OF THEIR SINFUL CHOICES BY DEVELOPING A NEW THEOLOGY ABOUT
GOD.
This new theology says:
A. "God loves me and never intended
for me to suffer like this."
1. Not only are we NOT promised
anywhere in Scripture a pain-free life, the Bible actually promises
us the exact opposite.
a. John 16:33.
b. Job 14:1
2. Trouble exists in this world
because sin is present in this world.
3. God's remedy is Heaven not here.
It is there that we are promised pain-free living, not here. (Rev.
21:1-5). Believers want Heaven on this sin-cursed earth. It is not
going to happen.
4. Even creation itself groans under
the curse of sin, looking forward to the return of Christ. (Rom.
8:19-22).
B. "The Bible doesn't
cover situations like this. They didn't have these kinds of
situations in Bible times."
1. Perhaps without
realizing, the counselee is committing a terrible sin. He/she is
questioning the omniscience of God.
2. The doctrine of God's omniscience
means that: "God fully knows Himself and
all things actual and possible in one simple and eternal act."
(Wayne Grudem, Systematic Theology, Grand Rapids: Zondervan,
1994. p. 190).
a. This means that God possesses all
knowledge of everything that exists, happens, and can happen in
creation. God does not learn and cannot be taught. He
fully knows everything all the way down to the thoughts and
intents of the hearts of every human being. (Psalm 139: 1-2,
17-18).
3. Listen to the words of the
Apostle Paul: "Oh, the depth of the riches of
the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out! "Who has known the mind of the
Lord? Or who has been his counselor?" (Rom. 11:33-34).
4. The counselee has so given themselves over to the goal of
finding peaceful circumstances, that they have given in to the
deceitfulness of their own heart. (Jer. 17:9). They are
substituting their own sin-cursed thinking for the wisdom of God
and leaning on their own understanding. (Prov. 3:5-6).
C. "Since God doesn't want me to
suffer like this, it is alright for me to divorce. After all, if
these things WOULD HAVE EXISTED in Bible times, I am sure God would
have permitted someone like me to divorce."
1. And now we have arrived at the
fruit of the new theology---to give myself permission to disobey
God, while convincing myself, due to my new view of God, that I AM
REALLY NOT disobeying God.
2. This is how disobedient
Christians try to get rid of their guilty conscience.
D. When the Biblical Counselor
confronts this false thinking with God's Word, the unrepentant
counselee will attempt to discredit the counselor and his/her
advice by declaring: "You don't know how I feel!" What they are
saying is:
"You are not qualified to counsel
me, because you are inexperienced in my situation! If you were
experienced in my situation, you would do exactly the same
thing!"
"You have no right to evaluate
whether I am right or wrong, unless you have gone through what I
have gone through!"
"I don't recognize your right or
authority to judge me!" (We aren't. The Bible is!)
"I know more than you do about these
things, so don't you dare tell me that I am wrong! Who do you think
you are!"
III. BRINGING RIGHT THEOLOGY
TO BEAR ON THE PROBLEM.
As gently as we can, we must ask key
questions:
A. "Do you believe the Bible is the
very Word of God?" (2 Tim. 3:16-17).
B. "Do you accept everything that
the Bible gives as true wisdom, where the wisdom of this world is
false?" (James 3:13-18).
C. "Are you willing to accept the
Bible's teaching that terrible trials are often the will of God to
accomplish His plan in our lives and show His glory and power among
men?" (Gen. 37-50 "Joseph"; 2 Cor. 4:7-11).
D. "Are you willing to accept the
Bible's clear teaching that God is more powerful than our trials,
and will give all the grace and strength we need to endure and
accomplish His good plan for our lives?" (Rom. 8:28-29, 35-39; 1
Cor. 10:13; 2 Cor. 12:7-10 "a chronic trial").
E. "Are you willing to accept the
clear teaching of the Bible that God knows all things, is never
caught by surprise, therefore always knows what He is doing even
when we can't understand, and that following Christ is always the
best way, no matter how difficult the path?" (Dan. 3:16-30; 2 Cor.
10:3-5; Phil. 4:11-13).
F. "Are you willing to accept the
clear teaching of Scripture that God is completely good and loving
and does all things, including His plans for suffering in our
lives, to teach us to live at a higher plain of faith, trust and
knowing Him, which brings the true peace that earthly circumstances
can never bring?" (Phil. 4:6-8; Matt. 6:31-33; Phil. 3:3-10; Acts
16:22-34; John 14:26-27, etc.).
G. "Are you willing to accept that
the Bible declares one of the key marks of whether we are true
disciples who love Christ more than ourselves, to be that we are
willing to deny ourselves and obey Him, no matter where it may
lead?" (Matt. 10:37-39; John 14:15,23-24; 1 John 2:3-6).
IV. THE RIGHT AND BIBLICAL
FOCUS THAT BRINGS TRUE PEACE IN THE MIDST OF OUR
SUFFERING.
A. Realize that all trials are
temporary. This world is passing away and a great place of
incredible peace awaits us. Heaven will be so incredible that it
will cause us to view the worst of earthly trials as nothing. (Rom.
8:18; 2 Cor. 4:16-18).
B. Realize that not handling earthly
trials well is a mark that we have set our affections on the
temporary things of this earth, not on the eternal things above,
which have true value. (Col. 3:1-4).
C. Realize that our not handling
earthly trials well is a mark that we question in our hearts the
love of Christ for us, through questioning His plan for our lives.
This has caused us to become near-sighted and blind. (2 Pet.
1:3-9).
D. Realize that our feelings,
emotions and desires are corrupted by sin and will lead us away
from God's will. (Eph. 4:22; James 1:14).
E. Realize that trials are meant not
to destroy us, but to build our faith and help us know God better,
and that this is what brings true peace. This is really what we
most need, not change in our circumstances.(1 Pet. 1:7; Heb.
11:6).
F. Realize that true joy in life
comes from knowing that Christ is being seen through us, and this
is often most effective when Christians are in adversity. The path
to God's greatest work is usually through trials. We see this no
more clearly than in the work of redemption itself. (Acts 2:23;
Gen. 50:20; Job 42:1-6; John 9:1-3, etc.).
Conclusion:
A. When counselees tell us "You
don't know how I feel!" it can be intimidating. We need to
recognize that this is exactly what they are trying to do. They
don't want to hear what we have to say, so they are trying to back
us down. They are trying to manipulate us into retreat, because we
do not have all the answers as to why God has planned their trial.
We must remember that we are not required to have all the answers.
We are to trust by faith that God does have the answers, and that
all directions in His Word are given in light of His full and
complete omniscience. He lacks no data. While all things are not
revealed to us, all issues are fully and completely resolved in the
mind of God. We must not mistake God's lack of revealing the
solutions for the purpose of building our faith and trust, with the
idea that solutions do not exist.
B. It is vital that we gently try to
help them see that their real argument is with God not us. This, of
course, requires that we take great care to handle the Scriptures
accurately.
C. The counselee must be brought to
see that the safest course of action is always obeying Christ. They
must be brought to see that attempting to redefine God
theologically and the standards of His Word, can only lead to their
destruction (Prov. 13:15). In calling upon them to follow Christ,
we are actually their allies not their adversaries. (Prov.
27:6).
Recommended Reading: Trusting
God: Even When Life Hurts, by Jerry Bridges, NAVPRESS. See in
particular, chapter 12 "Growing Through Adversity."
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